He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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