Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
