I have demons in me.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
