I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
