checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
