Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
