I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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