I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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