i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
