My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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