My liver just broke up with me...
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
is that a dick in a sweater?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
