Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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