On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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