Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
