My liver just broke up with me...
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
