Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
