The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Is Oprah even human
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
