new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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