Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
