"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
