She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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