Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
