the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
