Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
