I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
