Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I need a burrito and a hug.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
