I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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