remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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