I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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