i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
