i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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