Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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