DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i out mim tonsoeep
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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