through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
