I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm too high and old for this...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
