If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
