Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
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