either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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