Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
