I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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