Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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