it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Randomize
