I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
