life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
