I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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