wanna go halves on a baby?
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize