Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
