What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
