Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
