I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
