Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
How's work?
Spinning.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
