mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
