Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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