if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
