He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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