Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize