nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
