Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
