did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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