i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
