His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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